I’ll drive so fucking far away I never cross your mind…
I’m really not good with talking about my feelings.. So I don’t most of the time.. And I guess thats why all my dark thoughts find their way onto tumblr so easily. I don’t have to face anyone tomorrow that reads it. It’s one thing to be sad… It’s another for everyone to know you are. But I’m getting to the point where my sadness, My anxiety, My helplessness, is impeding my ability to function and I don’t really know what to do anymore… I’m getting to that point where if I don’t get it under control everyone will know whether I like it or not. The last two years have been hell, and I really don’t think there is anyone to blame for that. I’m not even sure I can blame myself. I will. But thats because I always do. I’ve always been the strong one amongst my friends, I’ve always been the one so eager to help out.. I live through other people.. My identity is in hundreds of little pieces scattered amongst the people I meet. I want to see them smile.. It makes me feel like Maybe, Just maybe, It can make up for the fucked up things I’ve done. It’s a karma thing I guess. But after stretching myself thin for them… They seem to still be able to easily walk away. And every time they do, I get to watch part of my identity go with them. Even if they don’t completely leave and we just become the kind of friends who call each other ever couple of months… It doesn’t change that feeling. There is always the question of why I’m no longer the one they come to.. what I did wrong… What changed. And I’ve gotten to a point where there are so few people left there is almost nothing left of me. I know… It’s a ridiculous concept… To be nothing because there is no one around you, But thats what I am when I’m alone. Every good memory, Every thing that matters to me is in other people, and most of them are gone now. Relationships and friendships that lasted for years and they are gone just like that. And they have their fucking excuses but when they say they’ve been busy with school and work all I hear is “I didn’t think to make time for you”. I drove 120 Fucking miles a week just to see them when i was at school…. and most of them live a few miles away at most. I can’t open up a folder of pictures without wanting to cry. What do I do with 40,000 pictures I used to think were beautiful? They left for stupid reasons, Like my lack of religion, their boyfriend/girlfriend is a controlling ass, or for no reason at all. And here I am.. Who do I turn to now when all the people who said they loved me have proven to me that most of the time love is only self deception? I’m not really sure anymore. There is just me and my nothingness, and it eats away at everything, and it’s beginning to threaten the few friendships left. To get myself out of bed I inflate so many things to the point where they can never be what I wanted them to, I have this innate desire for control because I have so little and it’s getting ridiculous and irrational. I try and control things I have no business controlling and I’ve hurt my brother because of it. I wonder sometimes why he’s still here… I start to analyze sometimes whether I’ve hurt him more than I’ve helped him… He’s one of the few thats left so He gets this huge disproportionate amount of my crazy… And it’s not fair, I guess none of it ever is. He’s the most amazing human being I’ve ever met though. I wonder sometimes if He’ll wake up one day and realize I don’t deserve this, but I hope he doesn’t.. I wouldn’t blame him if he did, But I hope he never finds anyone to replace what I am to him like the others have.
I’m just not doing well at all. I’m trying really hard to find a job now.. I have one oppurtunity coming up I hope I don’t fuck up… I know that would help… To get a little bit of self confidence back and force myself into social interaction. I’m trying… i really am but trying isn’t always enough. I told a friend once years ago that it doesn’t matter if you absolutely have to do something to survive, to thrive, Sometimes you still fail. Sometimes turns to almost always sometimes… Sometimes the world seems so intimidating you have to make everything disappear, or make it into a joke. And that gets so tiring, so infuriating, and it leaves you feeling so helpless. Getting out of bed seems like a waste anymore, and you find yourself cherishing those few things left that you still can pull any enjoyment out of to an unhealthy and almost addictive level. Drugs fill the voids sometimes but only create bigger voids in the end. Weed makes it easier but it’s not enough to make everything disappear and you know There are some drugs that do and you can do nothing but hope you never are offered those drugs, the ability to escape is too tempting and I know that too well. Sometimes you’re so low you don’t even know what will lift you up. So tangled up in other peoples thoughts and so unaware of who you are that you start to wish you could make yourself disappear instead of all those things you hate, but there isn’t a away to disappear without hurting others, and You can’t just take back your existence. It doesn’t work that way.
I see the beauty in the world. I do. But if you can see beauty without pain you are only looking at the surface. You’re looking at the same old things that other peoples eyes have seen a million times. I have seen beauty in the strangest places and it’s almost always next to sadness and it always makes me wonder what would happen i fthe sadness was gone? Does the sadness make things more beautiful or less? I’ve never once been consumed by just sadness… I’m always consumed with the lack of understanding how so much sadness can exist in a person or place and that place can be so beautiful. I love people because of their sadness… Maybe all I ever was to them was an empath? What does it mean when someone says you’re a big part of their life, that they miss you, that they love you, but when they are around you they keep their distance? They pretend like they hardly even know you. Maybe they do hardly even know you. It’s the meaning, putting the puzzle pieces together that always fucks me. I can understand he’s beautiful, I can understand he’s sad, but I can’t reconcile that I can’t give him the only thing that he needs… That he wouldn’t let me… That I still don’t know why,.
I don’t even know right now if writing this is helping. I’ve cried a lot and Now I’m sorta numb. I’m just tired of masks. Tired of running out of rooms so no one sees me cry. I’m tired of being lost. I just want to be somebody. I just want to be able to get out of bed and have energy for the day.I’m tired of being constantly over run with anxiety attacks so bad I don’t sleep for days, sometimes weeks at a time. I’m so tired of feeling like the only thing that will make this go away is the deepest cut I can muster. I’m sick of feeling like going back to my past ways will some how make this bearable I’m sick of having to use weed just to slow down my thoughts enough to breathe… and knowing I used to enjoy it a hell of a lot more. I’m so sick and tired of robot mode. I’m so tired of being hung up on things that will not change. I’m running on fumes of who I used to be and I don’t know how to fix that… How do you fix that? A lot of people tell me to just deal with it but if I could deal with it do you think I would have done these things? I don’t know.. I just don’t know anymore. And I’m sorry that I know this doesn’t make any sense. This sad attempt to explain in some deep and profound way what I’m feeling to get it all on paper that resulted in nothing but a collection of random fragmented thoughts.
I hope I figure this out… I really do… There’s no place for me as a functioning member of society if it doesn’t. There’s hardly a place for me now.
God I need a cigarette…